Sibling
rivalry is not uncommon. If you have a sister or brother you would often find
yourselves fighting over the most ridiculous and minute issues. These are times
which turn into fond memories, memories which we will reminisce and laugh about in
retrospect no matter how nasty the fight was. As my elder sister and I get
older, complex and graver issues occur once in a while which manifest into
greater disputes and conflicts. Needless to say, things often get out of hand
when our emotions get the better of us. These are the memories which we have
regretfully made, but derived valuable lessons from…
It was a
week after my birthday and my family and I had been in no felicitous mood to
celebrate it due to the recent passing of a close relative. While I felt it was
justified to mourn during this period of time instead of commemorating my 20
years of life, I was secretly wishing for at
least a slice of birthday cake.
You can
probably imagine how happy I was when my sister finally asked, “Mei mei, are
you free tonight? I want to bring you out for dinner, there’s gonna be lots of
good food. I think you will like it.” So I said ‘yes’ trustingly without any
hesitation. I thought to myself, 'it has to be a birthday treat for me.'
That night,
I was brought to a well-decorated function room at a condominium. There was an
array of food like my sister had mentioned, but I was immediately intimidated
by an assemblage of unfamiliar faces laughing and chatting with merriment; not
what I had expected. I felt extremely uncomfortable in that setting. “It’s my boyfriend’s
cousin’s 21st birthday party,” My sister explained. It turned out
that I was invited out of my sister’s good intention. She was afraid that I was
going to have a lonesome dinner that night since my parents were out. Was I appreciative? The answer is ‘no’. Infuriated, I stomped out of the hall without
greeting the elders at the party or wishing the birthday girl. This led to a verbal
cross-fire (hurtful personal attacks included) between my sister and I. I was indignant at the fact that it was a stranger’s birthday party
(instead of mine) that she had brought me to without my full consent, at the same time, she could not understand why I had
reacted that way and was chiding me for being a party-pooper.
Thinking
back, it was no doubt a classic example of miscommunication and misunderstanding.
Admittedly, my false assumption (misinterpretation) of a ‘birthday treat’
brought my hopes up only to face greater disappointment; my sister could have
conveyed her kind intentions with less ambiguity. Of course, I could have
handled the situation way better by not over-reacting as well.
Thanks to
technology, this matter was resolved after days of debates over SMSes (because we
just could not do it face-to-face). Hard feelings for one another dissipated,
though it could have been mitigated within a shorter time frame.
How do you
think we could have resolved this issue more quickly and effectively?
Hi Jiayi!
ReplyDeleteIt was interesting reading your story and I think you describe your feelings in a very real way. I can really understand how you felt when you found out that it was not a birthday party for you. Since I have birthday at the same day as my grandmother and grandfather, I sometimes felt a little bit forgotten as a kid when we celebrated our birthdays in my grandmothers apartment and some of my relatives forgot that it was my birthday as well. But since I was a pretty shy kid I never started to argue about this then.
As you say this is a classic example of miscommunication and it shows as well how easy things people say can be interpreted in a completely different way than what was intended. Possibly it seems like your sister should have understood that you were expecting a surprise party, since you hadn't been able to celebrate before. Therefore I agree with you that your sister should have conveyed her intentions with less ambiguity, but you should have asked more questions as well to avoid a situation like this. Also I think your reaction was a bit strong, maybe you should try to hide your feelings better in the future. In this case I think it would have been better if you instead of starting to argue at the party would have talked to your sister about your feelings afterwards. But of course, it is easy to be prudent in hindsight.
I think that face-to-face communication is a faster and more efficient way to solve most conflicts. Text messages are often more easy to misunderstand and I personally think it is hard express all my feelings in a written message. If you instead have meet to talk I think that you more quickly could have understood the other person's opinion and thereof solved the conflict more efficient:D
Hi Mikaela,
DeleteI do agree with you about clarifying ambiguities in messages to avoid miscommunication and having more self-control over my emotions in a context such as this. But like you said, it is difficult to that in a moment of fury. Still, it is good to be always aware of our own emotions and our surrounding contexts so that we don't go around offending people or dampen the moods of innocent parties when conflicts arise.:)
I think face-to-face resolution is definitely faster and more effective. I am determined to try this next time even though it can be tough! However, I think that it will be possible and effective only if both parties have calmed down and done some reflection on the conflict situation.
Thanks for your comment!
Hi Jiayi!
ReplyDeleteI think I have faced similar issues as you before. It can get very disappointing when you have high expectations of a certain event; especially since it was your birthday. Your sister was being truthful in telling you that she was bringing you out and she had the good intention of not wanting you to spend the day alone. Yes, you may think she should have known better but since what's done is done, I shall just share with you my own opinions regarding your reaction.
I feel that you could have been a little more sensitive to the host's feelings even though you were upset at your sister. It might have been better if you stayed a little longer out of courtesy. I am assuming that your sister's boyfriend was there with his extended family. By creating a scene in their presence, your sister might be offended and more defensive about her actions. In that scenario, she might have been less understanding towards your frustration. Maybe if you had pulled her aside to explain your desire to go home and then speak to her about the misunderstanding later that night, the both of you could have handled it calmly.
While I agree with Mikeala that face-to-face communication is more efficient, I understand your reluctance to do that with your sister especially since the previous conversation had ended badly. I am glad that you two worked it out in your own manners. In a way, SMSes prevented further heated exchanges that might hurt your relationship with her.
Xiao Wei.
Hi xiaowei!:)
DeleteI do agree with you that I should have toned in down a little at the party and be more aware of my surrounding context, and how my reaction could actually have a casacding effect on the subsequent heated exchanges that follow. This is one thing I've learnt form this conflict situation and I hope I'll react in a more appropriate manner if a similar situation occurs in future (not in the near future, I hope. I am a peace-loving person!).
Thanks for your comment!
Hello Jiayi
ReplyDeleteI guess that the miscommunication was a result of the lack of clarification. I do agree that sometimes it is easier to make assumptions than to clarify, but it's better to clarify always. Of course, I would also say that your sister should have told you before hand where (or what event) is she going to bring you to. I think your sister felt 'wronged' because she was trying to get you company but you didn't expect it.
While I do believe that face-to-face communication is more efficient, that might lead to everyone feeling more angry in the end if each party refuses to 'give way'. With technology however, you could think through before sending a message, and in that way it kind of helps you to cool down a little. However, the downside of technology is that you don't really feel the other person's emotions and you would have to guess it from the message.
I am glad everything's sorted out.
Cheers
Hannah
Thanks Hannah for your comment:)
DeleteYou're right, there's indeed a downside to technology when it comes to communication, though I also agree with you that technology allows more time for thinking and reflection. I think from the suggestions that I have garnered from you and the other friends who have commented, a combination of technology and face-to-face conflict resolution seems like the way to go! We can probably first stabilise our emotions through SMSes after a conflict, and later further clarify our intentions and emotions through face-to-face communication.:)
Cheers!
This is a very interesting conflict situation, Jia Yi, one that you explain with clarity and conciseness. I like the way you set up the conflict, creating the same tension that you might have epxerienced. It also probably resonates with many of your readers, as we can see in the detailed feedback that you have gotten.
ReplyDeleteYou also provide a good specific question, making it easy for us to respond.
There are a few minor language problems:
1) turn into fond memories; memories >>> turn into fond memories, memories
2) On one hand, I was indignant at the fact that it was a stranger’s birthday party (instead of mine) that she had brought me to without my full consent; on the other hand, she could not understand why I had reacted that way and was chiding me for being a party-pooper.
>>>
I was indignant at the fact that it was a stranger’s birthday party (instead of mine) that she had brought me to without my full consent; however (or "at the same time"), she could not understand why I had reacted that way and was chiding me for being a party-pooper.
Thanks for the hard work, and for sharing such a personal issue.
Hi Brad,
DeleteThanks for your comment! I have made the relevant corrections to the blogpost.
Hello jiayi,
ReplyDeleteI guess having conflicts with our siblings or parents can be pretty common cause we always assume that they know us best. That is why when they did something that bother us, we tend to be less tolerant and forgiving.
I guess besides using sms to communicate with his sister about the problem, you can try sharing your issues with a third party for example your parents and let them convey your thoughts to your sister. I feel that in this way you will be truthful about your feelings and also the tone of the message conveyed to your sister will be less mean and hurtful as the third person will filter off the negative remarks.
Hope my method works!
Hi Michelle,
DeleteI guess we often take communication with our family members for granted because we get too comfortable with one another and forget the importance of effective communication and emotional management. That is why interpersonal conflicts with our family member can arise very easily.
I think your suggestion about involving a third person is quite a good idea. However, it is also important to seek a third party who is unbiased and objective so that the conflict between my sister and I will not deepen any further with even greater misunderstanding.
Thanks for your comment!:)